Disappointment in Life

Lewis seems to have many internal conflicts in his life that take a toll on his emotional wellbeing and from the very beginning of the book we see a strange father son dynamic between Lewis and his father. Most of the time this insight into their relationship is some sort of conversation between the two followed by what Lewis thinks his father’s words really meant. But mostly Lewis thinks his father isn’t proud of the life he has lived and the person he has become. This lack of pride weighs down on Lewis and he carries the burden of disappointment around with him. It’s a side of Lewis that we as readers aren’t shown often, but when Lewis does open up, I can tell we see how he truly feels about his relationship with his father.

I first noticed the tension in their relationship when Lewis sold his car, which in retrospect seems like a weird thing for a dad to get upset about. It was Lewis’s choice, as a grown man, whether he wanted to own a car or not. But Lewis’s father said to Lewis, “America is a car country” and went on to explain how Lewis can’t “buck the system” if he isn’t even a part of the system (38). At the same time, Lewis’s father told him he doesn’t care what Lewis does in life because the world doesn’t revolve around anyone’s happiness. To an outsider this statement counters the argument of Lewis being a disappointment, but really to Lewis his father was saying, “be your own disappointment. There’s a whole wide world to fail in” (41). We will never know what “Daddy Miner” really meant by his statement, but we do know how Lewis responded to it and the lasting imprint it left on him. Lewis gives off the impression that he doesn’t care what the world around him thinks of the choices he has made in life, which may be true, but he certainly cares what his father thinks.

On Hazel’s birthday (Lewis’s mom), Lewis asked his father a question that really stood out to me. He said “are you proud of me” dad (178)?  His father only responded, “I didn’t say that. I said you were a good boy” (178). It is little insights like this into Lewis’s life that show he does care about the world around him and there’s more to the strong barrier he puts up in his writings to his high school class. Lewis is missing the one person in his life who should be proud of him for whatever he does and he doesn’t have the motherly figure he can turn to when life is though. I think this is one of the reasons Lewis has a distanced relationship with his father and the reason he feels like such a disappointment.