Teabagged by Life

            Through a series of submissions to the Eastern Valley High alumni bulletin, Lewis Miner rants about his failures in life and criticizes nearly everyone that he knows. It is evident through his lack of productivity, wasted potential yet arrogant attitude, and critical outlook on life and those involved in it, that Miner is a self-absorbed, underachieving loser.

            Miner, or “Teabag” as his previous classmates referred to him, lacks a substantial job, has little responsibility when it comes to paying his bills on time, wastes a significant amount of time on his weird obsession with women’s calves and leg warmers, and consistently does drugs with his stoner, best friend Gary. His actions hardly reflect that of a grown, working man, but he is proud of these hobbies and views them as accomplishments. His constant state of over-analysis and pointless stories reflect his lack of productivity. Miner no longer has a license because he just “can’t deal” with the stresses of driving, demonstrating his denial of anything requiring energy and focus.

            Perhaps the most unlikable trait in Miner is his arrogance. He has wasted potential, knows this about himself, but chooses not to change anything. Despite his failures, he views himself highly and makes comments such as “I count myself among the wise. My misadventures have taught me to covet the little things, to cherish, in short, the short straw” (pg 3). He also often notes his lack of motivation, “I am more than satisfied to remain unsatisfied” (pg 3), which is most evident in his menial job. Obviously gifted in the field of sarcasm and wit, with a passion for writing, Miner instead works for a newsletter called Fizz, producing FunFacts that he likes to call “FakeFacts” about soda. Gwendolyn recognized his self-absorbency and tells him “you wake up every morning like you should get a parade” (pg 4) to which he rambles about how he does deserve a parade because of his terrible nightmares. Lewis actually possesses a greater amount of intelligence than his career would suggest, but not even attempting using his skills represents a greater failure than possessing no intelligence at all.

            Another distasteful habit of Miner, reflecting his lack of character, is his constant criticism. He criticizes himself “I did not pan out” (pg 1), but more often he criticizes the people in his life, reflecting his own insecurities. From the start of the story, Miner makes fun of former Eastern Valley High principal and publisher of the bulletin posts, Fontana, with whom he shared many conversations. Fontana may have lacked some direction in life and shares similarities with Miner, which Miner recognizes “men like me and Fontana....we pull up lame, or just plain fade,” (pg 3) but he at least had a somewhat substantial job and shows a sense of character. Miner’s repeated criticism of Fontana in phrases such as “He’d maybe lit out from one of his busted selves years before, wandered tundras of indecision, kept himself alive in bleak altitudes...” (pg 18) reflect on his awareness of his own lack of direction. Miner constantly refers to his “fellow Catamounts” to whom his posts are written, with demeaning names such as “Valley Kitties” (pg 4) and “Ostrokitties” (pg 61). His criticism largely falls on the successful graduates from Eastern Valley High, including Doctor Stacy Ryson and State Senator Glen Menninger whom he consistently mocks and condescends. These constant criticisms represent the expression of Lewis’s deep insecurities that he refuses admit to himself, instead degrading others.

            Miner’s pessimistic outlook on life and cynical perspective of himself is probably the cause of his failure. Even when some sense of regret is apparent when Miner meets with his father and wants to discuss how he has been a disappointment (pg 4), he quickly shakes it off and continues a meaningless rant. However, analyzing Miner’s seemingly worthless life and thought process opens up an interesting point. Perhaps it is the others who spent their life studying and working long hours with goals of making money, who never stop to analyze their life or realize in the end everyone is the same, that are the true losers.